Austin— the land of live music, breakfast tacos, and enough bars per capita to make Vegas blush. But what if your idea of a good time doesn’t involve nursing a hangover the next morning or explaining to your aunt why your Venmo history includes the words “pickleback bet gone wrong”?

Whether you’re sober-curious, a lifelong teetotaler, under 21, or just trying to keep your liver from filing a formal complaint, we’ve got you covered. Turns out, this city known for its craft cocktails and brewery bingo nights has plenty of entertainment options that don’t require ID checks or electrolytes.

So buckle up, buttercup—here are the best things to do in Austin that don’t involve drinking (but may involve laughter-induced snorting).

1. 🎭 Catch a Comedy Show at Esther’s Follies

Let’s start with the obvious. And by obvious, we mean the crown jewel of East 6th Street: Esther’s Follies.

You think you know sketch comedy? Think again. Esther’s serves up a legendary cocktail of political satire, magical illusions, musical numbers, and good ol’ slapstick—all shaken, not stirred. (See? We don’t need alcohol to make bar jokes.)

For over 45 years, Esther’s has been dazzling tourists, locals, and the occasional confused bachelorette party with its fast-paced, ever-changing show. Whether it’s poking fun at the news cycle (yes, we’re watching you, Congress) or sawing a politician in half (metaphorically...for now), every performance is smart, hilarious, and totally unpredictable.

Pro Tip: Book your tickets in advance—especially on weekends. We’ve got more loyal fans than a Taylor Swift subreddit.

📍Location: 525 E 6th St, Austin, TX🌐 www.esthersfollies.com

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2. 😂 Pop Next Door to The Velveeta Room for Stand-Up Gold

While you’re already on 6th Street dodging electric scooters and existential crises, head next door to The Velveeta Room, Esther’s rebellious little sibling and Austin’s OG stand-up venue.

The Velv (as the cool kids say) is a dark, intimate room where comics of all calibers test their material. You’ll catch everything from up-and-coming weirdos to Netflix-ready headliners—all with zero drink minimum and 100% proof that laughter is the best buzz.

It’s raw. It’s real. It’s like your group chat came to life and learned timing.

📍Location: 521 E 6th St, Austin, TX🌐 www.velveetaroom.com

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3. 🚶Hike Mount Bonnell and Pretend You’re in a

Rom-Com

Mount Bonnell is like the friend who doesn’t go out much, but when they do? They deliver.

Climb the short staircase to the top and you’re rewarded with a panoramic view of the city, the Colorado River, and all your life choices. It’s a great spot for sunrise selfies, quiet reflection, or loudly narrating your own fake travel vlog. (We won’t judge.)

Bonus: It’s completely free, open to the public, and not a single mixologist in sight.

📍Location: 3800 Mount Bonnell Rd, Austin, TX

4. 🛶 Paddle Board on Lady Bird Lake (and Judge the Rowers)

When you want to break a sweat without breaking your sobriety, look no further than Lady Bird Lake. Rent a paddleboard or kayak and float your way past the Austin skyline, turtles, and that one guy who thinks he’s training for the Olympics.

This is peak “Instagrammable Austin,” minus the cocktails with rosemary sprigs. Plus, there’s something deeply satisfying about gliding past downtown traffic while aquatic and smug.

📍Rentals: The Rowing Dock, EpicSUP, Congress Avenue Kayaks💡Open year-round, but best enjoyed spring through fall (unless you’re part iguana).

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6. 🌿 Stroll Through Zilker Botanical Garden (Yes, Nature is Still Free)

Nestled within Zilker Park is a little slice of serenity known as Zilker Botanical Garden. There’s a prehistoric garden with dinosaur tracks, a Japanese garden with koi ponds, and more flora than your houseplant-obsessed friend’s Pinterest board.

Great for dates, solo meanders, or just pretending you’re in a Studio Ghibli movie. And not a single White Claw in sight.

📍Location: 2220 Barton Springs Rd, Austin, TX💰Entry: $5–$8 depending on age and residency

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7. 🛍 Browse South Congress and Buy Things You Absolutely Don’t Need

Sure, South Congress has its fair share of bars—but it’s also a haven for quirky boutiques, record shops, and “How much for this hat?” moments.

Swing by Allens Boots for a sniff of that intoxicating leather aroma (no shots involved). Pop into Lucy in Disguise with Diamonds for a costume that says, “I’m sober but dangerous.” And don’t leave without a photo in front of the “I Love You So Much” mural—because nothing says “wellness” like performative affection on a stucco wall.

📍Hot Spots:

• Big Top Candy Shop 🍭
• Jo’s Coffee ☕
• Monkey See Monkey Do 📚

8. 🧘‍♀️ Get Your Chill On With Outdoor Yoga

Yoga in Austin isn’t just an activity—it’s a lifestyle, a personality trait, and possibly a tax write-off.

From rooftop flows to park sessions where someone inevitably brings their dog, there’s no shortage of ways to downward dog your way to bliss. Check out:

• Black Swan Yoga (multiple locations, donation-based)
• Sunset Yoga at The Long Center (because sweaty enlightenment looks better with a skyline)

No mimosas required. Just stretchy pants and a sense of inner peace (or a pretend version of it for Instagram).

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9. 🧩 Escape Rooms for the Sober Sherlock in You

If you’re the type who thinks “fun” involves yelling at your friends in a locked room while deciphering cryptic clues and dodging imaginary lasers—first of all, same.

The Escape Game Austin on Red River and Escape Hour Austin are two of the city’s best. Whether you're saving the world, busting out of jail, or finding a stolen painting, the adrenaline rush is real—and you won’t even miss the tequila.

📍Location: Multiple🌐 theescapegame.com/austin

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10. 🍿 Watch a Movie at the Alamo Drafthouse (Hold the Buzz)

Okay yes, they serve alcohol—but no, you don’t have to order any. Because at Alamo Drafthouse, the real intoxication is in the experience.

We're talking themed movie nights, singalongs, quote-alongs, and the holy grail: no talking, no texting, no mercy. You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll forget you ever thought fun required fermentation.

📍Location: Multiple (South Lamar is the OG)🌐 www.drafthouse.com

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11. 🧠 Museum Hop Like a Highbrow Hooligan

Flex your cultural muscles without ever touching a craft cocktail.

Start at:

• Blanton Museum of Art for modern and classical works, plus that trippy “Austin” installation by Ellsworth Kelly.
• The Contemporary Austin for a little edge.
• Thinkery if you’re a kid at heart or parenting one.

Museums: where sober people go to feel fancy.

📍Various Locations💡Free or discounted days often available!

12. 🎶 Hear Live Music Without a Bar Tab

Austin may be the “Live Music Capital of the World,” but not all venues are built on bar sales.

Check out:

• Waterloo Records for in-store acoustic sets
• Zilker Hillside Theater for outdoor performances
• Central Market North Lamar for surprisingly great patio concerts while you eat a sandwich bigger than your face

Let the music move you—not the mezcal.

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13. 🧁 Do a Food Crawl, Dessert-Style

If you’re not drinking, your sugar tolerance just became your new party trick.

Design your own DIY dessert crawl:

• Gourdough’s for donuts the size of dinner plates
• Amy’s Ice Creams for weird flavors and flying scoops
• Lick Honest Ice Creams for seasonal sorcery like roasted beet & fresh mint (yes, it works)

Bonus: No blackout stories. Just black cocoa crumbs on your shirt.

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14. 📸 Tour Austin’s Best Murals (Free Instagram Therapy)

Who needs a happy hour when you have a city covered in colorful, cheeky murals begging for attention?

Some must-sees:

• “Greetings From Austin” (720 S 1st St)
• “You're My Butter Half” (2000 E MLK Jr Blvd)
• “Til Death Do Us Part” (East 7th & Waller)

Strike a pose. Caption it ironically. Sober sass: achieved.

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Final Thoughts: You Don’t Need a Drink to Have a Damn Good Time in Austin

Listen, we love a frozen margarita as much as the next sweaty Texan—but Austin’s heartbeat runs deeper than its happy hours.

This is a city built on stories, strangeness, and spontaneous delight. Whether you're laughing till your sides hurt at Esther’s Follies, paddle boarding past the skyline, or decoding clues in a room with zero exits (by choice), there’s no shortage of joy to be found beyond the bar.

So next time someone says, “Wanna grab a drink?” hit 'em with a wink and say: “Nah. Let’s actually do something.”

Want more laughs? More illusions? More outrageous political commentary wrapped in sequins and satire?

🎟 Book your seat at Esther’s Follies.

💥 Stay for The Velveeta Room.

🕺 And leave your buzz to us—we’re professionals.

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