An Insider’s Guide to Moving to Canada

Democrats are reeling now that Donald Trump is the President of the United States. Many celebs (and U.S. Citizens) state they will move to Canada now that Trump is elected. Canadian websites have popped up everywhere with alluring pitches for a move North. Read this helpful guide written by a real Canadian for my Top Ten Tips to survive the great white North.

Top Ten Tips for Americans Moving to Canada

  1. Don’t Brag About How Great America Was.  Canadians consider bragging on par with farting at the theater and taking the last donut without asking if anyone else wants it. (Hint, if you want the last donut, always say you don’t.) So, be humble, and move your small talk from politics to poutine.
  2. Start Watching Hockey. Watch this two minute tutorial on why this hockey is your new passion. Or read this classic joke that’s not actually a joke. We. Are. Serious. About. Hockey.
  3. Prepare for Canadian Taxes. PST. GST. HST. Sounds like a sexually transmitted disease, and it’s just as painful to deal with. If you plan to live in Toronto, you’ll pay a 13% tax rate. Rough, eh?
  4. Embrace Diversity. 21% of Canada’s population consists of immigrants, compared to 13% in the U.S. Get ready to eat all kinds of food in strange shapes and colors!
  5. Flip Your Date Formats.  In Canada, the date format is DD/MM/YY, compared to America which is MM/DD/YYYY. Try not to celebrate your mom’s birthday half a year late.
  6. Celebrate Work/ Life Balance. Canadians value work/ life balance and (gasp) even take all their earned vacation days. Sometimes they don’t even check email while on vacation. I know.
  7. Embrace the Metric System. 100 km/ hr.? Buying deli turkey in grams? Paying for gas by the “litre”? Recording the temperature in Celsius? (And sadly, -40 is -40 no matter where you live, which you WILL most likely experience.) Canada really is a foreign country in some ways, so brush up on your conversion skills.
  8. Learn the Language. No, I’m not talking about French, although Canada is bilingual and has two official languages. I’m talking about the important words, like tuque, mickey, loonie, Roots, and double-double. It’s a matter of survival.
  9. Get Healthy. Sure, Canadians have a great healthcare system, but they often wait longer for important medical care. So, take the time to stretch your muscles after a long day of shoveling snow.
  10. Invite your Gay Friends to Join You. In 2005 Canada legalized same- sex marriage nationwide. Lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender rights in Canada are some of the most advanced in the world. They even have a National LGBTQ television network with shows such as Don’t Quit Your Gay Job.

Equal rights for gay couples, diversity, work/life balance…seems like this move to Canada is a no-brainer!  But before you leave, take a minute to really think this through.

It’s actually pretty tough to immigrate to Canada unless you have a job offer, are young, or have family already living in Canada. What if, instead, Democrats stayed put? I know you care about your country. I say you fight for it instead of abandoning it.

Besides, do you really want to live in a country where you can only buy liquor at the “Liquor Store”, and the stores close at 10 pm? And you have to pay for your booze with loonies and toonies?!

I’m sure these four years will fly by, but if not, get out your winter clothes. Canada is expecting you.

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About the Author:

Laura Mathis is a past Esther’s Follies performer who graced the stage from 2003- 2006 with her Canadian charms and willingness to wear any type of costume to get a laugh. Laura enjoyed levitating with Ray Anderson, belting out tunes with Shannon Sedwick, and having a bull whip snapped in her face by Rob Williams (not so enjoyable but she lived to tell the tale).  Laura has studied and performed at the famed Second City in Chicago and lives in Austin with her husband and 4 -year-old twins. Follow Laura on Twitter @thelauramathis

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